One Year Ago

I year ago today, I was seeking God's answers to questions I had. Was I supposed to be serving at the church I was serving in? Was I supposed to be in ministry even? What did God want me to do? I had lots of questions, and I sought God earnestly, daily. During this time, God was very quiet - it was, as I have heard it put, a Dark Night for my Soul. There was frustration on my end because I wanted to do what God wanted me to do - I truly was not looking for my own agenda. I examined my life to see if there was anything keeping our relationship on hold, some secret hidden sin. Still God was quiet. Yet even in His silence, I felt His presence in my life. It was very cool and very strange at the same time.
Then a year ago today, I read a devotional that rocked me. It was about spiritual dejection - boy that was me!
And then this statement:

"Spiritual lust causes me to demand an answer from God, instead of seeking God Himself who gives the answer."

and:

"The purpose of prayer is that we get ahold of God, not the answer."

I was at a crossroad in my personal walk with Christ as well as my ministerial life. These words helped me to change my focus and prayers.


I find it interesting that a year later, I am involved in another crossroad. Yet my past experience has shown me that God answers my concerns, only in His timing and in His way. But these final words help me to focus on His answers:

"If we will only obey, and do the task that He has placed closest to us, we will see Him."

In Love with a Whore

She looks pretty and lovely,
adorned and dressed in eye candy.
Like an expensively wrapped gift -
a gun to play roulette with.

She knocks on the door, at least
once a day, sometime more.
She beckons me to let her in
showing leg, making promises.
offering love, freedom, release, joy,
contentment and fulfillment.

Some days I am strong, looking
her in the eye - "Get off my
doorstep." - I feel victory.
But I know she'll be back.
She is relentless and will not be
satisfied till she has had me.
She knows my passions, desires,
Weaknesses.
She knows how to break me,
what to offer me.

"I have what you need", she moans.

There are days when I stand
on the doorstep, waiting and
looking for the Whore.
I say, "To heck with right or
wrong! I want for me!"

And so I indulge and fornicate.
with the Whore. She looks great!
She makes sweet offers of joy and success.
She whispers into my ear things
I want to hear; hate to hear

"You better take me, cause
no One else wants used up,
weak, filthy garbage like you."

Once this Whore stands
naked before me, I see
the faces, the tattoos...
Those whom she has loved before.
Used before. Tempted and lied to.
Those who's lives she left
shattered and mangled.

Even staring at this horror,
this ugliness,
sometimes in fear, sometimes in disbelief
and despair,
I enter into the Whore's embrace.

At first it is justifiable.
Sometimes it feels good.
But the embrace becomes a
strangle-hold. Her painted nails
tear into my flesh, looking for
something. What?
every time I fall into this selfish,
twisted lovers arms, she
tears deeper and deeper, more
and more fervently now.
I can see the hunger in Her
eyes.
But it is not hunger for me.

It is my heart...
it is my soul...
It is my life...
It is my inmost being she wants.

Each time I enter Her grasp
the deeper she goes,
the clearer I can see
my own face etched on
he grafittied body.

And the Whore is gone,

and I am left alone.

Naked, ashamed, I remember:

All the words He spoke to me-
some forgotten, others ignored.
When I allow Him, He comes.
He tends to the damage that
I have allowed the Whore to do.

He even begins to replace that
which I had allowed to
be taken from me - I gave away!

He never scolds. Never says I
told you so. Never leaves
me cold, naked, and wounded.

He stands there, waiting to love,
longing to love on this
used, dirty piece of refuse.
I have the stink of the
Whore on me. Her fingerprints
cover my body. Evidence of
what she has taken shows.

I see myself for who I am.
When I am laid bare and exposed.
When there is nothing to
hide behind. I smell the
Whore's perfume and lust on me.
I see the damage I have
allowed Her to do.

I vomit.

I am repulsed by the "man" I see.

I am nauseous.

I am comforted
humbled
ashamed
grateful
embarrassed
prideful
ignorant

guilty...
Guilty.
Guilty!
GUILTY!
GUILTY!
GUILTY!!
GUILTY!!!

"I admit it! I have laid with
the Whore! Many times!
Cast me from you house!
Push me away! Point your
finger at me! Accuse me!
Punish me! Discard me!"

Embrace me? What? How?

I try to move away,
ashamed and embarrassed,
guilty and uncomfortable.
But His hold is secure and firm.
It is the complete opposite
of the Whore's embrace.

And then...

It all comes flooding back.

I have been here before.
Damaged and held.
Dirty and held.
Guilty and held.

Why do I trade the embrace
of the One who loves me
for the Whore who loves
no one?

How long will I stay in His embrace?

How long till I return to Hers?

Help me. Hold me, Dad.

In a Fox Hole

I wonder what it is like to be in a fox hole? If you have seen the movie "Saving Private Ryan" or the HBO series "Band of Brothers", we get a glimpse of what it must be like.

When you are in an exposed spot, bullets flying, bombs exploding, getting bomb-barded from every which-way, how would I react? Would I scream and run? Press myself close to the earth? Protect my brothers? Fire back?

Pray?

I am sure I would do that. And if I did, what would be the result? Would I live? I mean, what would I ask for? Protection? Quick death?

Peace?

A sense of calm in the midst of anti-calm...is that what I would ask for? I'm not sure.

This week, I have felt under attack. Pressures from jobs and responsibilities. Dealing with failures and expectations. Staring at deadlines and undone stacks'o'stuff. And that's before breakfast!

Normally, my response in these type situations is to hunker down. Press harder. Make lists. Organize. Shuffle. Stress.

Pray?

That usually lands farther down the list for me.

But this week I have been praying, and despite the bombardment of life, I have had peace. Mind you, I am not shirking my responsibilities. But I have found an amazing calm in showing God my To-do list. It is crazy how much lighter it feels!

I am finding Christ's statement true, that when I take what I think is so important and trade it for what Jesus deems important, I find his "rest is easy, and (his) burden is light."

What do you do when you are in that fox hole? Take a chance. Pray for peace. Bring your junk to Jesus. He's got some cool stuff to trade with you!! Wanna find out more? indianayouthguy@hotmail.com. Mention the blog and let me know you want to find out more about what Jesus wants to give you in exchange for your junk!

See ya.

You chose...

I am a teacher as well as a youth pastor. I work with Jr. High students, whom I love. But I recently had an, well, let's just say, conversation, with a couple of students.

I had given instructions to a student, which they completely ignored and disregarded. However, they ended up following my request.

Another student informed me that he would do what I asked, very politely. This student, however, failed to complete the task.

Which of the two students would you want? I can tell you, my answer would be neither, or both with better attitudes. But to reality, seriously!

The first student, though rude, followed through. While the second just ignored me, despite their pleasant reply. One did what I requested while the other played lip service.

Which type of person would you want to be friends with? I can tell you, I would endure a little edginess if I knew I could count on them. Wouldn't you eventually stop calling that friend that said, "Sure, I'll do it!", then never showed up?

I read something today that got me thinking, "What kind of person am I to other people? The one who may resist but follows through, or the one who talks nice but does squat!

Which type are you? What would your parents say? Teachers? Co-workers? Wife and kids? Do you make empty promises wrapped in pretty words, or do you exhibit integrity, even if it takes a bit to get there?

Chances are, what you would choose for yourself and the friends you have, God also chooses. He doesn't give a rip about your promises if they are empty. Ever done this? "God, get me out of this and I'll never speed again." "Lord, help me pass this test, and I will be more responsible." "God, help me get out of this and I'll never do it again."

A broken promise is no promise at all. God wants us, not our pledges. How do I know He thinks this way? Well, His Son, J.C., says as much. And He and His Father are PRETTY tight! Check out Matthew 21:28-32. If you don't have a Bible or have difficulty navigating the Book, go to www.biblegateway.com and enter in the above Book Chapter:Verse.

Life Lessons from Decaf...

I met a good friend of mine for coffee today. We get together to chat about life and pray for each other. Recently, my friend has switched to decaf, in an effort to curve the "caffine shakes", that I find rather enjoyable. But that is another story.

The coffee house had our favorite flavor of java, but only in decaf. At this point I should explain that I NEED THE CAFFINE! Gotta have the shake juice! So I gave up my favorite flavor for coffee with caffine - the way God intended!

Anyway, I had a thought as we sat there. My friend went for the coffee with the flavor, but the coffee was missing that energy that comes with caffine. NOw I am not ripping on my friend. It is probably healthy to forego the caffine.

But his coffee was missing something that makes coffee, well, coffee. People drink to wake up, to stay awake, to get that extra boost. His decaf was fake coffee - it was java in disguise!

How many time in our life do we settle for the "decaf". We engage in things that appear good, but are missing something. We involve ourselves in stuff that leaves us just as empty. Decaf coffee will do nothing to wake you up, because it is missing that key ingredient.

So much of our life is missing that key Ingredient - the thing that fills the void in our lives and souls. We all feel it. That is why we get involved in so many things and do so much.

Many of us are living a decaf life - nothing more than great taste and empty effect on the world around us. Don't settle for a life that does little to impact eternity. What would you rather do - impress someone for a short period of time, or leave a lasting impression long after you are gone?

When God asks, "What kind of life do you want?",

will you say regular or decaf?

Something to sip on...

Be Safe

Have you ever found yourself saying those words as someone was leaving? I have. I didn't even think about it..."Be safe!" Where did that come from? Whatever happened to LATER, or, SEE YA, or, hmmmm...BYE!! I even used a PEACE OUT once - I don't want to talk about it...

But anywho.

Being safe is like the totally opposite of what Jesus calls us to. He wants me to live dangerously. If not, why would we need the Full Armor of God. If Jesus wanted us to be safe, He would have told us to pull up the Plush Barka Lounger of Love, or something.

Christ also wants us to "go". It is usually not safe to go out, unless the danger is coming to you, but I am getting off subject.

I think of all the people who have given their lives to share and live the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't think they would call the Christian life safe. I wonder if I would give up that which is important to me for the cause of Christ. My possesions, my life...what about my family? That would be difficult for me. I think I would rather die.

I want to be dangerous. I want to be a threat. I want Satan to feel threatened by my involvement in God's plan. I say I want that, but am I ready?

Peace out, dudes!

(see, I just can't pull it off!)

Be dangerous!

Reminder to a life of adventure

I was reminded yesterday that the life of a Christian is not supposed to be dull and mundane. So why are so many Christians holed up in their little God-shack with the windows drawn and K-LOVE pumping out of the stereo 24/7? Why do pastors, youth pastors, etc., find it more comfortable to stay confined in the church and working with church people, avoiding the community as all costs? Does this mean we have to go to Mongolia to find that adveturous life? There are so many opportunities right here! Why am I such a coward when it comes to living and serving the One who trailblazed the path to Death and came out the other side? What keeps me from living a dangerous life?